Saturday, July 26, 2008 ; 1:57 PMY
Cant stand anymore rejection..
This is just soooo terrible....:(
I just quarreled with him....but the feelings that I now have....it's just so depressing and sad...it feels somewhere in you...as broken.Sorry,if this post is not funny(if you think it should be funny then it's either you're
retarded or 'seriously' retarded) .
Anyways,it's all my fault that I always make things turn out the way it's not supposed to turn out.Hai.....I feel like crying(
sebenarnya sudah crying)....I love him but I can never make myself want him as much as how he wants me to want him.Actually....it's not true at all.I DO want him.But....I am just not the type to show his\her lover that much affection because it'll reveal my weakness and I want to be strong.If he knows that I love him more than what he thinks then...we'll be weak and he'll start to think about us being together instead of the importance of studying for the sake of a better future.....I have tried my very best to push him into taking masters instead of just a degree-work-get married.Yes....how did I do that...by making things more complicated...by making him think of me less so he can know what is actually more important for him was not me but his future.I do appreciate the fact that he love me...he's willing to put down everything...just for my sake...for our sake...but this isn't what I think it should turn out.
I have to admit that I'm not as strong as him...all I know is just to talk talk talk...other than that nothing else.But...I'm trying to make what is best for him and me to come true.You have no idea how much I want to be with him.When I realised my feelings for him was just as deep as how much I used to like......him,I felt scared....what if something happens and the scar will never recover just like before...sometimes I think the best...to not feel hurt nor the fear of losing something precious is to not love someone at all.I actually wanted to ask him to go capers tomorrow for lunch but I don't want him to see me compete eating pastas with
julie...I mean....I wanna let him have a good impression of me,not an impression of how those 'sumo' wrestlers eat on
tv....it would be so god damn
embarrassing!.I am so sorry if I didn't say all those things that he wanna hear...it's just that I wasn't in the mood for that because.....I too miss him...to think that he will leave to such a faraway place really.....hurts.....insecure.....lonely....no one to turn to when in need....no one no one no one....it'll just be me...myself and I...just like how it begins in the first place but this time...it'll just be more painful....because....all because he had step into my life....
I actually was a bit sad because he didn't call me....it's been so long and yet he hasn't call my house.sheesh why am I like this!
